I have always found comfort in the fact that my world is subjective, that it’s my perceived reality.
It has helped me time and time again to recognise my purpose in life and form a value system I can stand by.
In general terms, I would consider myself strongly anti-deterministic and extremely liberal. In other words, I am a strong proponent that everyone chooses their own fate and are allowed to hold their own world views as long as they do not infringe on anyone else’s right to do the same.
That, I have convinced myself over the past few years, is the best way to make everyone happy. I hate to say this, but sometimes, just sometimes, I really wish it wasn’t.
I have only recently discovered that heartache that results from the person you most want to see eye to eye with being a different height, ideologically, to you.
As you work through a problem together, it’s that moment when you realise that it’s not a matter of just explaining your perspective and coming to an understanding as a result because your problem is frankly a non-issue in their world. In this instance, it becomes a matter of challenging their core principles and seeing how they react and I just don’t have that in me.
My situation stems out of my love for love. For the value system that I have formed, there is no other way of seeing love other than as a defining quality of my life in the sense that it encompasses all other existing facets whether that be friendships, family, goals etc. Being single for me is intrinsically different from being in a relationship because the path widens once you find someone to walk besides you.
From my vantage point, I don’t understand those people that see love as a part of their life, an item in the backpack (with their friends, their success, their family) as they walk down the road. I can’t help wondering how this one relationship where you choose each other, develop intimacy and form a family with be merely a sector of your life, distinct from all the others? To exist in parallel to other aspects?
I can present that view to the internet because it feels like I’m throwing my opinions into the void, but when encountering others that genuinely hold that belief, I would not be inclined to challenge it.
When it comes to holding opposing views to others, my instincts are always flight, not fight. The concept of changing someone else goes against everything else I believe in. Maybe it’s out of that anger I feel towards those who tell me they know me better than I know myself, enforcing their ‘superior’ views on me without my permission. Or maybe it’s me being obstinate and taking ‘live and let live’ to the extreme, I don’t know. Either way, it’s entrenched into my being that it is not okay to tell other people that the way they live life is wrong because I would hate someone else doing the same to me.
I’m one of those people who have trouble with maintaining friendships because as soon as I spot a ‘fatal flaw’ in a friend, I will slowly back out of their lives rather than speak to them about the issue. For example, if they pursued philanthropic activities for the sake of improving their image, I would never speak to them about how it bothers me, and I will just wait for our friendship to die out because I don’t believe it is my place to tell them that particular trait is ‘wrong’. It’s merely an opinion I’ve formed due to my 17 years of life, which is not even a millisecond in the whole scheme of the universe or even human existence and my perspective so limited by the capacity of the human brain so who am I to ever say that?
This leaves me in between a rock and a hard place when it comes to relationships. It’s a deal breaker when I can’t agree with that person I want to spend my life with on what this life together will entail where I feel like I am just doomed to a life of ‘almosts’ and ‘nearlys’. This is the one person who I want to agree with, who I must agree with. Wouldn’t it be tragic, as a lover of love, to be stuck in a loop of in love and out again for the rest of eternity due to my stubborn nature?
My central philosophy surrounding love is that it’s a commitment to sharing your life with someone else. With this comes the responsibility of solving problems together and changing core values for each other and somehow, I just can’t bring myself to do that.
I can’t change and I refuse to let them change for me.
That’s the unfortunate truth of my perceived reality.