If you’re searching for a shortcut to satisfaction, then look no further! Sample our state-approved recipe for success.
This is something for the whole family to enjoy; a simple recipe that will stick to the social order and suit everyone’s tastes.
You will need:
● 3 cups self raising insecurities
● 2 cups sugar to coat the uncomfortable truths
● 1 tsp of confidence, sifted
● A 5”10” inch cake tin, depending on small man syndrome, if applicable
and you can never go wrong with a sprinkle of maniac dream pixie girl fairy dust!
Step 1: Add a pinch of handholding and a peck on the cheek. This should create a sticky syrup layer to catch any unfortunate sexual deviances which could spoil the consistency of the cake.
Step 2: Dissolve in a cup of unrealistic expectations, skim but full-bodied, injected with sharp sweet lollipop. (Now now, not in front of the children)
Step 3: BANG NAIL AND SCREW the batter into submission, making sure the consistency is thin and smooth, we’ll have no lumps or bumps thank you.
Step 4: Cook until mixture becomes unrecognisable. A gentle rising of male ego and erection to be expected but not explicitly viewed. Keep in mind that opening the oven at this point will result in a loss of self respect and crumbling of social standing.
Step 5: Add pressure lightly to surface of cake to check progress, noting that too much force could cause irreparable damage. When you have collapsed the exterior, you must think of the cake as ruined because insides are irrelevant, presentation and purity are to be prioritised. When the cake has reached appropriate height and maturity, prepare to remove from oven.
Step 6: Allow time to set and cool. The social mould will hold conforming thoughts together until you do.
tick tock, tick tock, ding!
Happy Birthday! If you followed our recipe correctly, today is the day you get to enjoy artificial acceptance presented on a silver platter as if it was worth something.
Go on, make a wish.
I want to be pretty.
You are what you eat
so stuff yourself with what they want you to be
swallow your pride
swallow before you taste despair
swallow until even your body hates you
then regurgitate the lessons you have been spoon fed
since you were a little girl
and smear it over your face like salvation
cake over every piece of you that made you unique
because the world likes vanilla
trust me, they don’t care what’s inside
hand them the knife
let them have a bite
(and don’t forget to smile)
Congratulations, you have completed your first individuality-repressing recipe. Check next week’s issue for how to lose your love handles and great new ways to pleasure your man.
Written by: Emma, Maggy & Natalie