Tiny Letters: to remind myself the pandemic will be gone and I will still be here

Written in Chinese, English translation below.

2020年5月28号晚上,当你在看什么乱七八糟的女团节目时,手机突然响了。

A letter from the past.

你已经完全忘记去年的你会把自己25岁的规划发给一年后,现在的自己。

22岁最后的一晚读这封信,发现现实和欲望和短短几个月前真的变了很多。 当然都是和疫情相关的那些事。

最近情绪真的很不稳定。动不动的就哭,或者从里到外的麻木。虽然每天坚持写日记但是差不多天天都一样的这些那些有的没的。 低沉的点点滴滴也没有什么营养,需要仔细的品味。 好久都没有写诗了。

那天Stephen问我有没有什么我真正热爱的事情,我居然头脑一片空白。 小时有真的有,摄像,写诗 等。疫情之前虽然没有我自认为可以被称作为热爱的活动,我也会为了我喜欢的事情忙碌 – 跳舞,攀岩,去美术馆,在大自然里发呆…而其中对我来说最重要的可能会是旅游吧。

‘18年本不应该发生的单行旅游 (本和新西兰高中同学约好一起游玩一个月,不了她最后因为找工作没有和我在曼谷碰面)。路上交的朋友,青游馆和沙发上的记忆…发现我好喜欢那时候的自己。也喜欢刚知道自己得到梦寐以求的工作后的自己。

几个小时前,我才和Darcy对话。当时真的很伤心。聊着聊着就说到了关于自己想要改变的部分。我给他打了一个(一点都不诗意的)比喻。 如果我是一辆车,现在我想提升和升级的地方太多太多了还不如换一部车。可惜要把自己完全换掉可没买一辆新车那么简单。

我真的很感谢这封信的到来。也许它不能完全的把我从颓废的几个月里拔出来,但是它提醒了我,我不是一直都这么不喜欢自己。 疫情不过是一个外来的因素。它压抑但不是一个永久的状态。

加油,马上就要turn 23岁的我。 而现在我也写一封信给十二月三十一号的你。

2020年,这个奇怪的一年马上就要结束了。如果你还没有定下名年的目标,那你就赶快想想吧。 希望这封信对你像对现在的我一样是一个惊喜。 希望你听到我现在的伤心和迷茫,可以笑着说你已经克服了。如果还没有,容我心疼一下下,然后告诉你我们真的没关系。 不管怎样,你已经很棒了。

我的一生至今很有幸 – 生活没有起过很大的波浪。(希望不会jinx自己) 目前我自身是一艘很小很小的船,微不足道的波浪和风就能把我的船身震动,行程搅乱。但不是还没有翻船吗!怕什么! 活得好好的话在可能的情况下能开朗点就开朗点 。主动权要放在自己的手心里然后握紧它。 世界上最无条件的永远支持和懂你的人不就是你自己吗…一定不能忘了对她好点。

Be gentle with yourself。 2021,新年快乐~


It’s the evening of 28 May 2020. You are watching some awful Chinese girl-group competition and an alert pops up on your phone.

A letter from the past.

You’ve completely forgotten that past-you has sent a copy of your ‘goals for when you turn 25’ to today-you.

On the last night of being 22 years old, as you read this letter, you find that your current goals and reality has shifted a lot over a few short months. Most of it is, of course, because of the pandemic.

Recently my mood has been far from stable. I would cry over nothing at all out of the blue or just feel numb in this way that seems to ripple from the inside out. I’ve been forcing myself to write in my diary every day but the entries blur together, everyday the same.

The other day Stephen asks if there is something I am truly passionate about and my mind blanks.

There were definitely things I loved as a kid – photography, poetry etc. Prior to the pandemic, even though I wouldn’t categories my hobbies as passions, I was keeping myself busy with dancing, climbing, visiting art galleries, letting my mind wander in nature…with the most important thing of all being travel.

That 2018 solo-trip that was never meant to happen was pivotal (I had planned to go on holiday with a friend from high school but a job opportunity meant she never met up with me in Bangkok). As I reminisce over the friends I made on the road, in hostels and couch surfing… I realise I really like that version of myself. I also really like the version of myself after I secure my dream job.

Only a few hours earlier, I was chatting to Darcy, sad. So sad. I was telling him about wanting to change parts of myself and giving him an example (that wasn’t poetic at all) about how if I were a car, there would be too many upgrades I want to make. So much so that it would be a better idea to get a new car altogether. Alas, to change yourself completely is not as easy as buying a car and somehow that stupid simile just stuck in my mind.

I’m so thankful to have received this letter today. Even though it will not completely pull me out of the place I’ve found myself these past few months, it has reminded me that I haven’t always hated myself. The pandemic is an external factor that I was internalising. It feels omnipresent and oppressive but it is not a permanent state.

You can do it, miss 23 to be. This letter is for you to read on 31 December 2020.

2020, this ‘strange and unprecedented year’ is about to end. If you haven’t set out your goals for next year, you better start brainstorming! I hope this letter will be a nice surprise for you like the letter I received today was for me.

I really wish that you can hear me describe how sad and lost I feel and be able to smile and say you are beyond this now. If not, I am giving you all my love and reminding that we will be okay. No matter what, don’t forget that you’re doing pretty good already at life.

We’ve been pretty lucky so far, with no great waves or turbulence (I hope I am not jinxing us here). Right now, I am a dingy boat. Even small waves and gentle breezes can cause me to rock violently and veer me off course but I have not capsized yet! So do not be afraid!

If you are alive then you can try to be positive whenever you can. Take control and hold onto that power tightly. Remember that the person who will always support and understand you is you so you should be kind to her!

Be gentle with yourself. 2021, happy new year ~


Something from the archives. FutureMe is fantastic, check it out, and maybe send a letter to yourself too.

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