on homesickness & the little mermaid

After moving to a new country for university, I fell sick.

I wonder if it’s because my body is stuck in limbo between newfound unpredictability and missing old routines and that’s why at night these maladjusted bones creak for home…

Loneliness.

It almost feels taboo to say out loud.

Even more so if I add another layer of association:

I am lonely.

Homesickness is insidious. It hides in the shadows before it suddenly swallows you whole, leaving just an empty shell of who you are behind. I noticed its presence as I was pretending to laugh the other day, suddenly continuing the facade of being happy all the time felt so tiring. Continue reading “on homesickness & the little mermaid”

Advertisements

forest

I hate the dichotomy that controls me –
spending every day with
the paralysing fear of death and
inability to commit to life

I find myself lost in the woods,
searching for a purpose to my existence.
filled with envy towards those that cling to the highest branches,
holding onto the hope that
perhaps trees grow towards the sky
to be closer to something just outside our line of vision
something better than
humanity’s nihilistic tendencies

meanwhile, I stumble blindly into the clearing
collapsing onto the ground
with a heart that has
no confidence in a soul

scattered thoughts about identity
fills my mind
spilling from my hair
as I open my palms
to the possibility of catching
principles to guide me
they slip through my fingers
(like how they often slip my mind)
and stain the grass
with shades of my hypocrisy

always holding people up to standards built on their actions
yet judging myself merely on my intentions
ephemeral thoughts do not construct reality
– only who you want to be –
so I vow to the sun in that moment
to live with more integrity
I stop talking to the birds
and start walking

I wake up besides the enchanted lake.
spending days,
trying to find some semblance of meaning
in the face that stared back at me,
I realised too much self-reflection
only resulted in less clarity.
vague shapes and lines
ultimately paints no more
than my indulgence in vanity.

after all,
your perspective from your limited capacity
is not a path to true discovery.
journey instead on the road less taken.
overturn every rock,
and discover the unexpected.
keep companions that will set fire to fallen leaves
because only when your world is up in flames,
will you realise all that’s vital
burns the heart.

I will never find my way out of the forest,
and I still fear for what lies beyond the trees,
but my bruised and battered body holds substance
in the knowledge that I will keep walking.

I Am Selfish

and I don’t care if you don’t like it.

Valentines day is a capitalist-oriented event designed for obligatory displays of love between couples and the celebration (or condemnation) of being alone.

Don’t get me wrong. I am a hopeless romantic – I love love and I was originally going to tell a cute love story after valentines day but it has been bugging me lately that loving yourself isn’t celebrated in the same way as loving another.


It’s always such a scary experience to be told what our perceived ‘flaws’ are. An off-hand remark based on hasty judgements could easily be over-analysed when it concerned our personal character. I have been told a couple of times that I am a slightly selfish person. I remember being very troubled at first that other people thought I had such a huge personality flaw and I became very obsessed with acting ‘selflessly’.

It made me very unhappy.

My motives weren’t in the right place and I came to the conclusion that selfless simply wasn’t for me. If they wanted to label me selfish because my priorities are different from theirs, then fine.

Continue reading “I Am Selfish”

The Girl Who Spoke 5 Languages

How many languages can you speak?

I can only speak two, a rather common feat in such a globalised world. I have never consciously learnt another language, I’ve just grown up in a bilingual environment. I remember meeting a girl last year who was fluent five different languages: German, English, French, Japanese and Latin.

She told me that she wants to be a translator in the future and she’s on an exchange to improve her English. I was so happy for her because it seemed like she was on the right track to achieving her dreams. At the same time, I couldn’t help being a little envious. This envy was not just for her fluency in multiple languages, but more for the absolute certainty she had for her dream and the effort she put in to make it happen.

The story she told me about finding her niche went something like this:

“You know those Lets Play videos on youtube? Yeah. Those ones where gamers play all sorts of different games for entertainment. One of those guys was playing what was originally a Japanese game translated into English. The gamer was complaining about how bad the translations were and I agreed, they were absolutely terrible! It was then and there that I thought, you know what, I can do better.Continue reading “The Girl Who Spoke 5 Languages”

3 Steps to Deal With Failure

In life, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.

As a student, when your end-of-year results are released and the reality of your mediocre grades is hugely disproportionate to your high expectations, you can’t help but feel like you have lost. There are two extremes you could jump to in this moment or when dealing with any type of failure:

a. Instantaneously brushing it off: ‘lol alg man’

b. Crying a tsunami: ‘this has literally ruined my existence’

I suggest doing neither because it’s unhealthy: you’re not really dealing with the problem.

If it really was ‘lol alg man’ why did your instinctual feelings say differently? Are you sure you’re not delaying the inevitable emotional outburst and stunting your personal growth for the moment being? On the flip side, is over dramatising the issue really going to get you anywhere except into spirals of unhappy thoughts that are blown way out of proportion to the issue at hand?

Rather than trying to escape from your feelings or sinking into the abyss of pain, this is the time to think systematically and logically because of the emotional state you’re already in.

From recent personal experience, I present my 3 steps to recovering and improving from failure. Like all self-help articles, the steps are totally obvious but incredibly difficult to follow in practise. If you are dealing with failure, I challenge you to give it a try no matter how much you would rather numb yourself to forget or intensify the feelings to justify responding irrationality. Continue reading “3 Steps to Deal With Failure”

♔ princess ♔

As I come to terms with my ‘personality,’ I would label myself as someone rather emotional.

I wouldn’t say I epitomise the stereotypical kind of emotional where I’m super sensitive, overthinks and cries at the drop of a hat. Admittedly though, to some extent, I am guilty of all of the above to varying degrees. In other words, I am a total princess.

I agree when other people tell me that being an only child has contributed to my character. I have never questioned how my parents offer the world on a platter for me to pick and choose as I please. I had been confident that I was a good person nonetheless. My logic was that everybody has their flaws and in the grand scheme of things, mine weren’t even that bad! However, being in a relationship has made me reconsider. Continue reading “♔ princess ♔”