A Recipe for Disaster

If you’re searching for a shortcut to satisfaction, then look no further! Sample our state­-approved recipe for success. 

This is something for the whole family to enjoy; a simple recipe that will stick to the social order and suit everyone’s tastes.

You will need:

●  3 cups self­ raising insecurities
●  2 cups sugar to coat the uncomfortable truths
●  1 tsp of confidence, sifted
●  A 5”­10” inch cake tin,  depending on small ­man syndrome, if applicable
and you can never go wrong with a sprinkle of maniac dream pixie girl fairy dust!

Step 1: Add a pinch of handholding and a peck on the cheek. This should create a sticky syrup layer to catch any unfortunate sexual deviances which could spoil the consistency of the cake.

Step 2: Dissolve in a cup of unrealistic expectations, skim but full­-bodied, injected with sharp sweet lollipop. (Now now, not in front of the children)

Step 3: BANG NAIL AND SCREW the batter into submission, making sure the consistency is thin and smooth, we’ll have no lumps or bumps thank you.

Step 4: Cook until mixture becomes unrecognisable. A gentle rising of male ego and erection to be expected but not explicitly viewed. Keep in mind that opening the oven at this point will result in a loss of self respect and crumbling of social standing.

Step 5: Add pressure lightly to surface of cake to check progress, noting that too much force could cause irreparable damage. When you have collapsed the exterior, you must think of the cake as ruined because insides are irrelevant, presentation and purity are to be prioritised. When the cake has reached appropriate height and maturity, prepare to remove from oven.

Step 6: Allow time to set and cool. The social mould will hold conforming thoughts together until you do.

tick tock, tick tock, ding!

Happy Birthday! If you followed our recipe correctly, today is the day you get to enjoy artificial acceptance presented on a silver platter as if it was worth something. 

Go on, make a wish.

I want to be pretty.

That’s easy!
You are what you eat
so stuff yourself with what they want you to be
swallow your pride
swallow before you taste despair
swallow until even your body hates you
then regurgitate the lessons you have been spoon fed
since you were a little girl
and smear it over your face like salvation
cake over every piece of you that made you unique
because the world likes vanilla
trust me, they don’t care what’s inside
hand them the knife
let them have a bite
(and don’t forget to smile)

Congratulations, you have completed your first individuality-­repressing recipe. Check next week’s issue for how to lose your love handles and great new ways to pleasure your man.

Written by: Emma, Maggy & Natalie

(Left to Right) Natalie, Maggy & Emma - performing our slam poetry piece
(Left to Right) Natalie, Maggy & Emma – performing our slam poetry piece 03/10/15
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FEMINISM

Feminism piece-1Feminism piece-2

Feminism piece-3

I submitted this article a long long time ago so it was a nice little surprise when the edited & published version above was emailed to me.

My opinions on specifics have shifted slightly (but I’m 100% behind the main idea) and I probably would have used different examples and structuring looking back but I thought I will share it with you guys regardless because I am very proud that it exists.

I’m actually glad that I see so many imperfections with it, hopefully that means I’ve grown as a person and writer. On a side note, I’m so happy with how pretty it looks!

I am not a ‘good girl’

I just stumbled across this social experiment comparing guys’ & girls’ reaction to their date looking chubbier (by a lot) in real life than they did in photos they posted online.

The video’s intention was implicit: to reveal sexism that exists in society!!!11! look at how women are more valued for their physical appearance than men, those shallow monsters, girls are less shallow blah blah blah.

They tried to back this up through showing all but one of male subjects leaving the ‘fat’ girl at the cafe whereas the female subjects stayed and completed the date with the ‘fat’ guy. However, I wasn’t sold and it looks like many commenters weren’t either.

“Females are very good at faking.”

“So these guys are supposed to be assholes for reacting badly to being deceived?”

Lets focus on something more interesting, a more subtle kind of sexism. Let’s consider why most of the guys (potentially even the one that stayed) felt comfortable leaving whereas all the girls stayed – now that’s something interesting to look at. Continue reading “I am not a ‘good girl’”

freedom to have sex

A disadvantage of being slightly more open with friends and family about the existence of my blog is feeling like I must censor myself on contentious issues.

Bearing that in mind, I have decided to say a massive f&#k you to consequences and discuss my thoughts on the sex industry.

I have grown up in a relatively sex positive environment and consider myself a liberal at heart. That is why I am a strong proponent of you do what you want, and I do what I want and we will mutually respect each other because we’re decent human beings.

Whether you choose to experience sex before marriage or abstain because you do not feel ready, only do it with one person or do it with a dozen, if it’s something private and exclusive or if you sell it as a commodity, it’s ultimately your choice and nobody else should give a fuck about said choice, unless you want them to… 😉

Continue reading “freedom to have sex”