musings of a twenty year old

Some draft poems from 2018 that I found recently. It’s always fun to stumble across writing from the past and reflect on what still resonates vs. what sounds like it’s written by somebody else.

sometimes I feel like I should just settle already
for a place, person or version of myself. I could
have a son or daughter. I think I’d like that, living a
quiet life at the edge of the city like my mother did, does.
Other times, the four-legged dreams inside me yearn
to break free, run across the rocky terrain of the unknown,
fill my lungs with flammable potential with every quickening
breath, let life burn bright as my heart beat rises, until I am
panting art and sweating fire, leave expectations in the ashes,
the becoming, rather than taming, of the beast.


today I went to the physio and she told me that the pain in my back was real.
how relieved I was for her to touch the knot between my shoulder blades and say “oof”
to know it wasn’t all in my head as she taped me up and suggested sticking needles in my body
(even though that thought petrified me).
What would have been worse is if she told me there was nothing wrong
and at all and that all that pain I felt was normal.
Maybe if I can start going to the physio, I will also be able to go see a doctor about my brain.
Let them scan it for wildflowers and weeds, so the garden of mind is once again one I am
not afraid to visit, walk through barefoot and carefree.


I know this isn’t a popularity contest (but it also sort of is right)?

some people have more facebook friends than I have followers and I get more likes on Instagram on a quick photo slapped over by valencia than I ever do on a poem I fiddle with for days and I wonder if I amjust not good enough?

I’ve been reading bukowski and he says you shouldn’t write unless it is practically bursting from your soul and I have never felt like that. My words do not flow like streams into a crashing waterfall, my words do not fall like rain into the sea. They do not burn like forest fire or pierce like bullets. They splitter and spatter like water in a pan full of bubbling oil. They chug along like an old train on a rusty railroad. A stuttering of the mind, a dearth of brightness, as if my head is submerged in a vat of ink and when I try to lift myself up to breathe I cover the world in mess and not art.

Maybe I am not a vessel for grand works meant to split the earth and revolutionise minds of my generation but it has been my public diary, a respite for bad days and that at least is worth something to me.

Maggy’s New Years Resolutions 2021

One of my new years resolutions for 2021 is to start writing again and posting on my blog at least once a week.

At the end of week one, I have already run into trouble.

I don’t have any writing ready to share!

So, to kick off the year, I thought I’d put my hot-off-the-press resolutions out to the world.

I hope this is somewhat interesting to some folks. I personally love having a bit of a nosy into other people’s lives.

Rules:
#1. I am allowed to refine/edit my goals during the month of January
#2. I will share my progress quarterly for accountability


Relationships

  1. Surprise my partner six times
  2. Surprise my parents and grandparents twice each
  3. Build a habit of thinking of what my parents/grandparents might need when I go shopping
  4. Surprise my friends 12 times (10 left)
  5. Host four board games and/or dinners in our apartment

Fitness

  1. Hit weight goal
  2. Do six pull ups consecutively
  3. New running personal best
    • 5km in 30 mins
    • 10km non-stop
  4. New rock climbing personal best (aim for 15/16V)
  5. Try personal training in February
  6. Group fitness of some type every week

Career

  1. Find a meaningful volunteer role, preferably with elements of leadership development
  2. Connect with a mentor, have at least six purposeful meetings
  3. Weekly, monthly, quarterly reviews of work and life

Better me

  1. 12 new hikes this year, four overnight hikes/camps
  2. Mindful consumption of:
    • 24 Books/Audiobooks
    • 24 Films/Theatre/Musicals/Shows
    • 24 Webinars/Public Lectures
    • 24 Art Galleries/Exhibitions
  3. Try/Re-try something new six times
    • (e.g. Improv class, Medical trial, MeetUps, Bumble BFF, Fundraising writing)

Creative

  1. One post on blog per week
  2. 24 pitches submitted
  3. Make six crafts
    • (e.g. build DIY glass house, watercolour, pottery, clay sculpture)
  4. Print two rolls of film

Miscellaneous

  1. Investigate DELE exams for Spanish
  2. Investigate English teaching course
  3. Investigate tour guiding

Coincidentally, 24 goals for the year I turn 24.

Credit to Matthew Dicks for having a great NYR system that I have heavily borrowed from with some adaptions.

(Side note: the podcast him and his wife Elysha produce on how to become a better storyteller called Speak Up is a fantastic listen.)

If you have read some of my other writing before and have clicked into this post out of curiosity, thank you.

My writing will be a little different this year though I do hope to still get some poetry in here and there. The source material (read: me) is much of the same. I hope you will choose to stay.

Q: What are some of your end of year reflections or new years resolutions?