Tiny Letters I Will Never Send: Part Three

Part 3: musings & reflections on this/us

To readers of this blog (and other poets, artists or storytellers of any shape & form),

Do you ever find yourself gravitating towards trite and uninspiring metaphors to retell the same old stories?

Because I do and it’s been bothering me a lot lately.

A quick scroll down my page & you’ll see my obsession with comparing unrequited love, broken friendships and my overthinking mind to oceans, storms and dark starless nights.

On one hand, I know that it’s so important to always tell your own truth and this constant struggle with body image, establishing boundaries and vocalising my feelings to other people has been mine since I was a little girl. That being said, at times, there’s just this nagging voice at the back of my head that this is an excuse for me to be my own worst enabler.

Instead of focusing on living in the present and fulfilling my responsibilities in the real world, I am finding myself losing hours of the day wallowing in self pity (but as soon as I think that, another voice pipes up in my head telling me that I’m being too harsh and sabotaging my opportunities to feel vulnerability).

I feel like the root of the problem is that I haven’t been able to find balance. At one extreme, it feels like I’m picking apart the stitches that hold me together every few days just to see what words will spill out from from the seams and at the other, I am always swallowing words at the tip of my tongue, smiling, and letting strangers trample over my comfort zone because it’s a shortcut to their happiness, you know?

Continue reading “Tiny Letters I Will Never Send: Part Three” →

on letting go & alice in wonderland

I have a confession to make.

Disclaimer: If you know me even moderately well in real life, this won’t be news to you but –

I can become ~~slightly~~ very unhealthily obsessed with other people.

Just a few minutes ago, I caught myself a few months deep into an old friend’s Instagram account that I’d just discovered. When I tried to pull myself out of the #valencia rabbit hole, more than a few familiar faces flashed past as my phone painstakingly recreated the tenuous links I followed to find my ‘Alice’, seemingly in an effort to remind me of a fact that I’m well aware of: I’m a little bit mad.

Instead of focusing on how intrinsically creepy my behaviour is, I’ve decided that I’m more bothered by how much ‘Alice’ & I’s paths have diverged and all I know about an ex-friend are some pixels on the screen.

Should I be happy that we live in such a narcissistic and technologically advanced society that I’m able to access her life in this way? If it was back in my parents’ time, I would have nothing but fond memories and a colourful imagination but somehow, this feels sadder. Witnessing what feels like intimate moments of someone’s life whilst being fully aware that they’re broadcasted to an audience including strangers makes the experience decidedly less special. This takes an even more sombre turn when you can’t even recall when you’ve become one of the outsiders too. Continue reading “on letting go & alice in wonderland” →

FEMINISM

I submitted this article a long long time ago so it was a nice little surprise when the edited & published version above was emailed to me.

My opinions on specifics have shifted slightly (but I’m 100% behind the main idea) and I probably would have used different examples and structuring looking back but I thought I will share it with you guys regardless because I am very proud that it exists.

I’m actually glad that I see so many imperfections with it, hopefully that means I’ve grown as a person and writer. On a side note, I’m so happy with how pretty it looks!

Judge and Conclude

An offhand comment triggered my desire to just post a quick rant so here you have it, unstructured, unedited and unfiltered.

The story is, someone that I hardly knew called me ‘sheltered’ and I found that incredibly insulting not only because I don’t think it’s true to the degree they believe it, but also because I think it’s so pretentious for anyone to pass hasty judgements on someone else.

When I first heard that someone saw me that way, I couldn’t stop laughing because I didn’t have a logical response to said comment. I know that we’re all human and we inevitably all judge each other but I have always been convinced that the only thing you can be certain of is your own subjective view on the external world. Therefore, your opinion is your opinion, no more and no less and that’s the standard I have been holding myself and others to.

I concede that we are all a part of the world therefore we are influenced and shaped by events out of our control but ultimately they’re coloured by our ethics, upbringing, relationships etc. and that’s something you can’t ever tell from looking at someone and for someone to have the audacity to not only judge but conclude about me, in such confident terms, elevating their opinion to ‘truth’ is astounding.

Although I will admit I am almost obsessively interested in how other people view me in order to adjust how I want to be portrayed accordingly, it has always been on my own terms. As an interesting and helpful exercise in order for me to do the best I can in life, I have never had issue with people’s judgements but their conclusions. Continue reading “Judge and Conclude” →

I Am Selfish

and I don’t care if you don’t like it.

Valentines day is a capitalist-oriented event designed for obligatory displays of love between couples and the celebration (or condemnation) of being alone.

Don’t get me wrong. I am a hopeless romantic – I love love and I was originally going to tell a cute love story after valentines day but it has been bugging me lately that loving yourself isn’t celebrated in the same way as loving another.

It’s always such a scary experience to be told what our perceived ‘flaws’ are. An off-hand remark based on hasty judgements could easily be over-analysed when it concerned our personal character. I have been told a couple of times that I am a slightly selfish person. I remember being very troubled at first that other people thought I had such a huge personality flaw and I became very obsessed with acting ‘selflessly’.

It made me very unhappy.

My motives weren’t in the right place and I came to the conclusion that selfless simply wasn’t for me. If they wanted to label me selfish because my priorities are different from theirs, then fine.

Continue reading “I Am Selfish” →

I am not a ‘good girl’

I just stumbled across this social experiment comparing guys’ & girls’ reaction to their date looking chubbier (by a lot) in real life than they did in photos they posted online.

The video’s intention was implicit: to reveal sexism that exists in society!!!11! look at how women are more valued for their physical appearance than men, those shallow monsters, girls are less shallow blah blah blah.

They tried to back this up through showing all but one of male subjects leaving the ‘fat’ girl at the cafe whereas the female subjects stayed and completed the date with the ‘fat’ guy. However, I wasn’t sold and it looks like many commenters weren’t either.

“Females are very good at faking.”

“So these guys are supposed to be assholes for reacting badly to being deceived?”

Lets focus on something more interesting, a more subtle kind of sexism. Let’s consider why most of the guys (potentially even the one that stayed) felt comfortable leaving whereas all the girls stayed – now that’s something interesting to look at. Continue reading “I am not a ‘good girl’” →

infinite monkey theorem

What is the infinite monkey theorem?

It states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite number of times will almost surely be able to type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare.

Taking an extremely literal interpretation (which it is not intended for), the concept is rather sobering for anyone who considers themselves a writer – anything you think of can be created out of random chance

In light of this, I am left to question: why do I write?

Continue reading “infinite monkey theorem” →

CENSORED TITLE

We are extremely lucky to live in a day and age where freedom of speech is upheld by most societies. Those who have access to this article and the ability to understand the English language can assumably read the words on this page and discuss them with fellow readers without fear of persecution.

This liberty is fundamental to our rights and it should apply to all citizens regardless of their standing in society, the traits they are born with or the decisions they have made throughout their life.

Unfortunately, when it comes to the delicate subject of religion, the upholding this universal right is lackluster at best.

It seems like at the drop of the G-bomb, you must suddenly tip-toe around the conversation holding up a white flag that says “I’m politically correct, don’t hurt me!”

Why is that conversation so unnecessarily uncomfortable?

What’s the solution? Banning people from talking altogether? Continue reading “*CENSORED* TITLE” →

freedom to have sex

A disadvantage of being slightly more open with friends and family about the existence of my blog is feeling like I must censor myself on contentious issues.

Bearing that in mind, I have decided to say a massive f&#k you to consequences and discuss my thoughts on the sex industry.

I have grown up in a relatively sex positive environment and consider myself a liberal at heart. That is why I am a strong proponent of you do what you want, and I do what I want and we will mutually respect each other because we’re decent human beings.

Whether you choose to experience sex before marriage or abstain because you do not feel ready, only do it with one person or do it with a dozen, if it’s something private and exclusive or if you sell it as a commodity, it’s ultimately your choice and nobody else should give a fuck about said choice, unless you want them to… 😉

Continue reading “freedom to have sex” →

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