byronic heroine.


my generation raves about individuality
rockin’ factory made printed tees
bold lettering –
“fuck society”
only because pretentious
is trendy.

but what’s truly sad
is realising that
I am just as bad
and not caring enough
about what that means.

The first byronic hero was described as “a man proud, moody, cynical, with defiance on his brow, and misery in his heart, a scorner of his kind, implacable in revenge, yet capable of deep and strong affection.

Beat Poetry is “rejection of poetic as well as social conventions, exemplified through experimental, often informal phrasing and diction and formless verse that attempts to capture spontaneity of thought and feeling.

A Recipe for Disaster

If you’re searching for a shortcut to satisfaction, then look no further! Sample our state­-approved recipe for success. 

This is something for the whole family to enjoy; a simple recipe that will stick to the social order and suit everyone’s tastes.

You will need:

●  3 cups self­ raising insecurities
●  2 cups sugar to coat the uncomfortable truths
●  1 tsp of confidence, sifted
●  A 5”­10” inch cake tin,  depending on small ­man syndrome, if applicable
and you can never go wrong with a sprinkle of maniac dream pixie girl fairy dust!

Step 1: Add a pinch of handholding and a peck on the cheek. This should create a sticky syrup layer to catch any unfortunate sexual deviances which could spoil the consistency of the cake.

Step 2: Dissolve in a cup of unrealistic expectations, skim but full­-bodied, injected with sharp sweet lollipop. (Now now, not in front of the children)

Step 3: BANG NAIL AND SCREW the batter into submission, making sure the consistency is thin and smooth, we’ll have no lumps or bumps thank you.

Step 4: Cook until mixture becomes unrecognisable. A gentle rising of male ego and erection to be expected but not explicitly viewed. Keep in mind that opening the oven at this point will result in a loss of self respect and crumbling of social standing.

Step 5: Add pressure lightly to surface of cake to check progress, noting that too much force could cause irreparable damage. When you have collapsed the exterior, you must think of the cake as ruined because insides are irrelevant, presentation and purity are to be prioritised. When the cake has reached appropriate height and maturity, prepare to remove from oven.

Step 6: Allow time to set and cool. The social mould will hold conforming thoughts together until you do.

tick tock, tick tock, ding!

Happy Birthday! If you followed our recipe correctly, today is the day you get to enjoy artificial acceptance presented on a silver platter as if it was worth something. 

Go on, make a wish.

I want to be pretty.

That’s easy!
You are what you eat
so stuff yourself with what they want you to be
swallow your pride
swallow before you taste despair
swallow until even your body hates you
then regurgitate the lessons you have been spoon fed
since you were a little girl
and smear it over your face like salvation
cake over every piece of you that made you unique
because the world likes vanilla
trust me, they don’t care what’s inside
hand them the knife
let them have a bite
(and don’t forget to smile)

Congratulations, you have completed your first individuality-­repressing recipe. Check next week’s issue for how to lose your love handles and great new ways to pleasure your man.

Written by: Emma, Maggy & Natalie

(Left to Right) Natalie, Maggy & Emma - performing our slam poetry piece
(Left to Right) Natalie, Maggy & Emma – performing our slam poetry piece 03/10/15

I am not a ‘good girl’

I just stumbled across this social experiment comparing guys’ & girls’ reaction to their date looking chubbier (by a lot) in real life than they did in photos they posted online.

The video’s intention was implicit: to reveal sexism that exists in society!!!11! look at how women are more valued for their physical appearance than men, those shallow monsters, girls are less shallow blah blah blah.

They tried to back this up through showing all but one of male subjects leaving the ‘fat’ girl at the cafe whereas the female subjects stayed and completed the date with the ‘fat’ guy. However, I wasn’t sold and it looks like many commenters weren’t either.

“Females are very good at faking.”

“So these guys are supposed to be assholes for reacting badly to being deceived?”

Lets focus on something more interesting, a more subtle kind of sexism. Let’s consider why most of the guys (potentially even the one that stayed) felt comfortable leaving whereas all the girls stayed – now that’s something interesting to look at. Continue reading “I am not a ‘good girl’”

Dear Reader

Please excuse any grammatical, structural or ideological mistakes in this piece. I’m only human.

What exactly does this phrase mean? Since when have we started believing that being human is inherently less than sufficient?

I am, for the most part, comfortable being an ordinary seventeen year old girl. I was not sent off into the unknown as a baby after my biological parents became aware of the impending destruction of our planet. I did not find a land of talking animals and mythical creatures in my cupboard when I was eight. I was not accepted to a school for witchcraft and wizardry when I was eleven, and I was not bitten by a radioactive spider when I was fifteen.

Everywhere we turn, we are told that the way we were born is not good enough. Companies magnify the imperfections of the human body in order to sell their products. Nobody will reach the standards of Superman or Wonder Woman, but the media has made us desire to recreate this cookie-cutter image in ourselves. Whiten your teeth, straighten your hair, live on a diet of steroids or nothing at all, then maybe, just maybe, you can pretend to be a cheap knock-off version of the unrealistic expectations you’re modelling yourself on.

societal expectations
societal expectations

It is rather sad that we have created, maintained and are enslaved by a society where the way you look determines your status and our status is the most important thing about us.

Unsurprisingly, this phenomenon exists beyond our appearance. We have normalised an all-or-nothing complex in everyday life where the pressure is put on us to meet unrealistic expectations in our area of interest: be a superhero or be a nobody.

The Avengers, a film that has “blasted through nearly every record in cinema history,” blatantly promotes this idea.  When alien forces attack New York, the police are shown as completely incompetent. Obviously only those who are blessed with powers that a normal human could never obtain can save the day, right? Forget technology, forget that this is post 9/11 America, forget the training the officers must have received, the sensible option is to idolise these superheroes instead. Clearly anybody that isn’t a superhero is useless.

Some would argue that the point of watching superhero movies is fantasy-fulfillment, to envision yourself as the hero. Nobody wants to be civilian #78 who dies before their existence is even acknowledged. However, rather than believing that the only way to save the day is to put yourself in a pair of shoes that would not fit anyone outside of your own imagination, the solution is to accept who you are, limitations and all, and tackle the issue as best you can.

Hint: The first step is upgrading yourself from being civilian #78 to trained police officer #14.

The truth is that there are no superheroes in real life. There are the physically capable, the mentally gifted and the charismatic. We can’t be 100% talented in all areas but excelling in one field or another is ultimately achievable and human because of the effort we put in. We shouldn’t let other people’s successes define their existence or dampen our own determination. Instead, let’s measure ourselves against our abilities and potential rather than the ‘superhuman’ qualities we assign to others.

There is definitely something broken about us, our culture, when being human morphed to be synonymous with pathetic, helpless, unexceptional and undistinguished. So, next time you make a mistake, don’t say ‘I’m only human.’ When you feel like you are at your limit, don’t think ‘I’m only human.’ Being human is not a disadvantage, it is not a weakness. There is nothing that is ‘only’ about being human.

Embrace the ordinary, embrace the strengths and weaknesses you have and don’t compare yourself with super humans who exist exclusively on screen, paper and within your head. Tell them that you’re doing fine. You don’t need a red cape to save the day yourself.

Your Fellow Human Being