可惜不是你 – If only it was you

I was in a long distance relationship when I heard this song live in late 2016. I instantly felt a pang in my chest, and it was in that moment that I consciously came to terms with the end of the relationship. There’s really no coming back from mourning a break up that hasn’t happened yet, so that’s why this is a really special song for me.

I tried to remain faithful in my translation but I’ve prioritised capturing the essence of the song first and foremost. I hope it makes you feel something. 


Suddenly, this moment fills with familiarity,
yesterday’s memories playing over reality.
The way I speak is more like you than me,
evidence of the love that used to be.

Almost believed my own lies,
and maybe fooled you too.
loving and being loved aren’t always
to the same degree.

Being in someone else’s thoughts
is a type of luck, I agree, but I don’t know
how to give myself over completely.

Tried my best to change but I can’t
shift these pre-set boundaries.
I thought being by your side
could be the start of eternity,
but it feels like yesterday
and yesterday feels so very far away,
yet when I close my eyes, I can still see –
If only it was you, by my side until the end.
Don’t you remember when we walked and
our shoulders would collide?

But we lost our way, parted at fork-roads,
thank you for being there and holding my hand
in yours, even now your gentleness lingers
on my palms.

That time when our hearts beat as one,
I wish I still had the right to care for you.
except you are now part of someone else’s
scenery, I hope in her world you can see
the shadows of burdened stars.

Tried my best to change but I can’t
shift these pre-set boundaries.
I thought being by your side
could be the start of eternity,
but it feels like yesterday
and yesterday feels so very far away,
yet when I close my eyes, I can still see –
If only it was you, by my side until the end.
Don’t you remember when we walked and
our shoulders would collide?

But we lost our way, parted at fork-roads,
thank you for being there and holding my hand
in yours, even now your gentleness lingers
on my palms. Thank you for when you were there
and holding my hand in yours,
I can still feel your warmth burning in my chest.

Continue reading “可惜不是你 – If only it was you”

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莲花 heart

In 2017, hip-hop took over China, in a large part due to a popular internet-based reality talent show called 中国有嘻哈 (Rap of China).

I was really late to hop on the bandwagon. So late in fact that by the point I binge watched the entire show earlier this year, rap has essentially been soft-banned in China.

Nevertheless, I was inspired to try write something myself, with the idea of mixing Chinese & English being something I was particularly interested in doing.

As some of the contestants said in the show, the most important part of rap is to “keep it real” and tell your own truth so that’s what I tried to do. If I couldn’t incorporate any complex rhyme patterns or have sophisticated flow changes, at least I could take a snapshot at my life in 2018.

I feel like this attempt is very juvenile and rushed but it was from the heart and so much fun so I wanted to share it anyway!

Now to be clear, it’s pretty evident, even if you don’t understand what I’m saying, that my musical background isn’t the strongest and I tried to force my lyrics into a backing track that wasn’t tailored for it (& therefore about 1/3 of the through I’m painfully offbeat) so that’s my bad, I didn’t have time to make it better/was too eager to put something out even if it’s really rough.

That’s my longwinded pre-amble, I hope you can find something in here that speaks to you.


Original lyrics & translated version (English) below:

You know, I used to be so scared of dying.
It was the rounding of a circle, the fade to black, permanent non-existence if you will.

Nowadays, death seems less daunting, more like a spoiler alert, you know? At first I thought it meant I grew up but maybe that’s not it. I used to want to leave a legacy, now I just want to stop feeling so… numb. Continue reading “莲花 heart”

Last Night [昨晚]

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the morning after
she pretended vodka was water
all sleep deprived
and out of her mind
she tried to purge herself of regrets
even if it was mixed in
with chunks of last nights dinner

sticking shame-stained fingers
down her throat
she could not quite reach
any semblance of redemption
she was stuck with the potent perfume of bile
for the rest of the day
and she vowed to not touch smirnoff
ever again

Continue reading “Last Night [昨晚]”

Family Tree[家谱树]

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mother says blood is thicker than water
and I wonder if rose-tinted viscosity
obscures reality and feeds
deep-rooted problems
into gnarly family trees

twisted canopies seek sunshine
in carefully constructed forests
filled with fake dew-drop perfection
and find no nourishment
in tired soils, overturned

we can’t just bury
the wretched hatchet
we must use it
toil until the sun rises
and the earth heals
let the rain wash us away
then we will finally be
free

Continue reading “Family Tree[家谱树]”

CLICK [键盘的沉默]

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CLICK

maybe in five years time
I’ll suddenly cross your mind
and you’ll wonder
what that starry-eyed girl
(who was so desperately in love with you)
is up to now

your finger will hover over the green dot
next to my name…

click.
you didn’t know that I cut my hair

click.
or that I left the suburb next to the sea

click.
to make a life in the city that never sleeps

your finger will hover over the green dot
next to my name…

but you do not
click.

Continue reading “CLICK [键盘的沉默]”